Taking the Next Step

It's been awhile since I've blogged but I've been going through some stuff so I have kind of put it on the back burner.

Awhile ago, we had a meeting with The Beast's Early Intervention Teacher, his Speech Therapist and his Occupational Therapist to see where he was at.   He is actually doing amazing right now and has pretty much caught up with everything and is speaking at the rate of an older three year old and he is not even three yet.  So, we decided to drop the speech therapist because why make her waste her time with him when she could be helping kids who really need it.    We have made a lot of progress lately, this summer we were able to get rid of the pacifier and then in the last few weeks we have gotten rid of his bottles and his crib.    This went way easier than I thought it would so I was grateful for that.   Shortly after he was done with his bottles, I went up into his bedroom to check on him while he was sleeping and he had a pacifier in his mouth.   So, basically, he has been hiding a pacifier somewhere waiting for just the right time to pull it out.   I guess I don't mind because he doesn't use it nearly as much as he did.   He even went to grandma's house for three days without it and was fine.   I'm going to pick my battles.  

Our last major battle is potty training.   By this age both of the other kids were fully day and night trained and The Beast absolutely refuses to even try.    He has yet to even accidentally go in the potty chair.  He is so strong willed that there is no reasoning with him, I have tried everything; letting him pick out his own underwear (he chose lego batman like his brother), let  him pick out his own potty chair (a Cars one with a gear shift that makes noise) and I have even assembled a treat basket so when he actually uses the potty, he gets a treat.    The kids literally screams like I am killing him if I even try to put underwear on him.   If I put him on the potty, he does everything except sit still to actually try and go  potty.   It's so frustrating and I am so tired of diapers.    He will purposely hide when he poops in his diaper because he doesn't want me to change it.    It's disgusting and he has such sensitive skin that he ends up in a rash all of the time.   They don't make the only diaper he isn't allergic to in a size 6 so the poor kid always has a rash.

Anyway, at this meeting with the other teachers, we decided to bring in a therapist.   Our school district has a new grant for 0-3 year and they wanted me to try it.   A therapist will see The Beast in three different settings; our home, her office and one other place (maybe daycare?) and evaluate him to see if there are any issues that she can formally diagnose.   I told her that my hunch are any of the following: Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD or Anxiety. 

It's not that I want him to have something wrong with him, it's not that at all.   I know he's doing well but there is just something about the way he acts that I don't know how to handle.   The reason I am bringing in the therapist is because he will not qualify for Early Intervention in January when he turns 3.    He is doing too well with his milestones to qualify.    But, I am worried that once he gets into school he is going to struggle and if he isn't in Early Intervention, it will be like jumping through hoops to get him any extra help.  If he is already enrolled in the program, he will always automatically have the help he needs right there in the school.   I am of course hoping that he doesn't need the extra help, but it's good to know that he automatically has it if he needs it.    He will also be able to start preschool next year in the 4 year old class, even though he is 3, because his EI teacher is in that classroom and she would take responsibility for him. 

Overall, I think this is a good thing and I am happy with my decision although family questions it.   They seem to think that I want something to be wrong with him and it's not that it all.    If there is something going on, I would love to find out so we can address it and simply move on.   It is always hanging out in the back of my mind and this will maybe put me at ease. 

So, I am curious to see how it goes today and hoping that it goes well.   The Beast will be on his best behavior I'm sure, just to make me look like I am a crazy person, that's what he does : )

Anxiety

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is a mood disorder that is characterized by multiple and/or nonspecific worries that interfere with the person's life in some way.

This is something that I struggle with and it really sucks.   I know that it's common and many people out there have it but it is so embarrassing.   It effects everything and a lot of the time I try to deal with it on my own without the help of prescription medications because the side effects just aren't fun.   I think that I have probably struggled with this my entire life but just didn't know it  until I had Jackson.

I remember the day that I really knew something was wrong.   Jackson was still little and I was having a rough time at work.  I was a foreclosure counselor for a non profit organization and I loved my job.  It gave me a purpose in life and I felt like I was really doing something good with my time and it was very fulfilling.   A local company had a HUGE lay off because it was right when the economy started to tank.   At the time I lived in a very small town so the majority of the people who were calling me for help,  I just couldn't help and I knew a lot of them.    At the time, a mortgage company wouldn't work with you if you were only receiving unemployment as an income because it wasn't considered "steady and reliable".   I was getting so many calls from people that I couldn't help, we had just moved out of our house into a rental house and I had these two children at home.   I was just so overwhelmed that I had a mini break down.   I haven't told a whole lot of people about this and it was three or four years ago.   Anyway, I remember waking up one morning and just thinking to myself, if I don't go to the dr, I am going to pack a bag and just leave.   So, I called the dr and got in immediately.

I was diagnosed with GAD and actually went to therapy a few times plus was prescribed anti anxiety medication.  I was also ordered to take 2 weeks off of work and to just lay low and try to relax and keep stress out of my life.    Eventually, I was able to get myself on a medication that worked for me and was doing great and then I got pregnant with The Beast.   I had to cut my medication out cold turkey and that was hell.

Since I had The Beast, I haven't gone back on my meds and lately I have been feeling like it just might be time again.  I am finding myself very overwhelmed by the littlest things and I worry nonstop about everything.  I wanted to write this blog because I find the whole topic to be very embarrassing to admit and I need to stop doing that.   It's not something I can control.  I am also using this as a little bit of an education to those who may be struggling and don't even know it.  

Some of my specifics include:
 restlessness or feeling edgy
 becoming tired easily
 trouble concentrating
 feeling as if the mind is going "blank"
 irritability
 sleep problems (trouble falling or staying asleep or having sleep that is not restful).
 Re-experiencing the trauma in repeated nightmares or flashbacks
 Difficulty trusting others
 fear of losing control
 numbness or tingling sensations

There are so many more symptoms out there but those are just some of mine.   I know that I need to go in and talk to the dr, it's just finding the time now that it's summer vacation, I have three kids at home and my husband is traveling.   That is a lot of the problem, not having the time to myself to ever do anything, I think it intensifies my symptoms. 

Anyway, if you read this, thanks for listening and letting me get it off of my shoulders.  Sometimes that helps the most.  I think that after reading this, some people might understand me a little bit better and know why I am the way I am.   I think that I get misread a lot of times and it's because of these "issues".  But, it's not exactly something you want to break out in conversation when you first are getting to know someone new. 

Does anyone else suffer from anxiety?  What do you do to help "deal" with it? 

Apparently I should "Seek Therapy"

So a week or so ago, I was at a place (I will not mention where, last time I did I got in trouble) and at that place were a bunch of moms sitting around a table waiting for our children to do something.    While we were sitting there, we were talking and laughing and telling stories about kids.  Well I got started telling stories about The Beast and how delightful he makes our life because it's always something.    I was saying how exhausting he is and we were all laughing and having a good time because everyone knew I still love him but get frustrated with him.   Then, out of the blue, one of the other moms looks at me and says "Maybe you should see a therapist".  The whole table got silent.  I was thinking in my head, seriously?  did she really just say that out loud to me? I didn't want to make the whole table feel uncomfortable but I had to say something.  I told her "Well gee, thank you, that was a pretty offensive statement to make" and then laughed it off.  I honestly don't think she meant it in a really bad way and then she could see I was upset and she tried to say how she would never be able to deal with a child like that because her children were so perfect.  (Yeah, like that makes me feel any better).   But all I could think is "Who says that to someone?"  There is nothing wrong with seeking therapy and believe me, some days I have seriously considered it, but that is such a personal thing to say to someone, especially someone you barely know. 

What is wrong with people today?  I am not perfect by any means and I'm sure I have said things that hurt other people but never really on purpose (unless they deserve it) but I also know not to say things like that to someone I don't really know.

I am currently dealing with a situation that is similar.  Some people and I have a private message on Facebook where we discuss dance related issues and the show "dance moms" that we don't want to share on our wall.   Two of us had competition this weekend and our daughters all did fantastic and won high scores and awards.  We were telling each other about it and most of us were so happy for each other but then of course you have one person in the group who is jealous or bitter or just plain mean.   They come on and make a comment about how their child never wins any awards but they are also the studio that doesn't go around inappropriately shaking their booty and gyrating all over the place so she is ok with that.  WTF?  Seriously?   You cannot just be happy for our children, you have to insinuate that our children are inappropriate.   I don't just understand people.   (For the record, I know that I didn't take what she said wrong because two other people took it the same way as me and this person is known to be a "I have to top everyone and I have a story to top yours, the world revolves around me, etc".)

I just get so frustrated because I am not afraid to stand up to those people instead of just talk about them behind their backs.   I really wish more people would do that, honestly, it makes life so much easier sometimes.  It's ok for someone to not love every single thing you say and it's ok if you make someone upset on occasion, it doesn't make you a bitch (like it apparently makes me).   I know conflict is hard by writing this blog I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, just venting a frustration aimed at the people who say the "rude comments" in the first place. 

I don't know, maybe I do need therapy?   LOL

Is It My Fault?

This is probably one of the hardest blog entries that I am going to write.  As a mother, you want to think that you have done everything that you possibly can to make sure that your children are happy and healthy. 

This weekend was really a rough one with The Beast and how he was acting.  He was extremely irritable, cranky, mean and just plain no fun to be around.  I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are working on taking the pacifier away from him.    (Because of his sensory issues, he has a strong oral fixation)   Anyway, we had it completely taken away and he was doing alright but then he found one in his toys and popped it into his mouth and it's like it made him even more angry because  he realized what he was missing.    We tried to run errands on Sunday and it was miserable. 

Before I get into the main reason of the blog, I have a little back story.   Right before I found out I was pregnant with The Beast, I went to Las Vegas with some girlfriends from Saturday thru Tuesday.   I took a pregnancy test before I went just because I wanted to be certain that I could party and have a good time.  I was on birth control and we certainly weren't trying to have another baby so I got the green light when the test came back negative.   Anyway, I drank the entire weekend and didn't take a break until Tuesday morning when I had to fly home.   We went to night clubs, we walked the strip and spent the entire weekend pretty much drunk.  A couple of weeks later, I went to a friend's house for the day with the kids and when I got home I had a terrible upset stomach.  The only time that I throw up is when I am pregnant.   It turns out I was pregnant, about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant which meant The Beast was literally "forming" while I was in Las Vegas.   When I found out, I called the dr immediately and was honest with them about everything.  They didn't seem too concerned and were more worried about my anti-anxiety meds I was taking and made me go off of those cold turkey. 

Anyway, I always joke around with people and say that The Beast is the way he is because I spent the time he was "forming" in my belly drunk.  Just for the heck of it, we decided to look it up: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effect and look what I found:   Honestly, it makes me want to cry.
-Low Birth Weight
-Small Head Circumference
-Developmental Delays
-Learning difficulties, including poor memory, inability to understand concepts such as time and money, poor language comprehension, poor problem-solving skills

Here's the biggie:
- behavioral problems, including hyperactivity, inability to concentrate, social withdrawal, stubbornness, impulsiveness, and anxiety

That describes The Beast to a "T"....Behavioral Problems, Inability to Concentrate, Stubbornness, Impulsiveness......We also think he struggles with anxiety.

Really there isn't much we can do about it and I certainly didn't drink while pregnant on purpose, I had absolutely NO clue that there was even a possibility that I could be pregnant.   I am humiliated and embarrassed to even bring it up but I cannot help but wonder,  Is it my fault? 

Frustrations.....

  Right now, The Beast is 2 years and 3 months old.  By this time with my other two, they were both 1) done with pacifiers, 2) done with bottles, 3) sleeping in a toddler bed and 4)completely or almost completely potty trained.   The Beast is none of the above and it frustrates me to no end.  Yes, I know every child is different but the pressure I get from the "outside" world is beyond annoying.   Do you know how many times a day I hear "He shouldn't have that paci" or "Why is he still drinking from a bottle" or "My child is peeing on the potty".  As hard as it is not to, it makes me feel like I'm not doing something right.   But, I do need to realize that The Beast is a completely different child than my other two, heck than any other child on the planet and he will do things when he wants to, how he wants to and there will be no other way about it.   I have lost all control with him and it pretty much kills me because I am a control freak.
  People who have "easy" children just do not understand.  It is SO easy for them to say to me, "Just cut the tip off of the pacifier, he won't want it anymore" and tell me that "the first few days will be rough".  I know that, I have done this before, trust me, The Diva had her pacifier 24 hours a day/7 days a week from birth until the age of 2, she didn't like giving it up, but she did.
  Part of The Beast's thing is, he has a major "oral fixation" and sucking on his paci and bottle keep him calm and sort of relaxed (well, as relaxed as a Beast can get).  If it causes one less temper tantrum a day, it helps because we have many.   If I don't let him have his paci or bottle, he sucks on the tag of his blankie and it is so digusting that the whole area surrounding his tag on his blanket is  now permanently brown and wet.   (It also smells no matter how much I wash it).   I also cannot find another blanket exactly like his to replace it with.
  The Occupational Therapist brought over some toys called "Chewies" for him because lately he has been chewing up his pacifiers so there are holes in them.   We are trying to transition him to these things but seriously, they look like dog toys and freak me out a little.   It's bad enough I call him The Beast but to give him things that dog toys, ooooh the haters would have fun with that one, wouldn't they?   I honestly cannot imagine taking him out in public with these things, the looks I would get. 
  Anyway, I am super frustrated with him right now.  He has absolutely NO desire to potty train either.   I honestly wonder at times if he can even feel it when he wets or poops in his pants.   He will sit in his filth all day if we let him and his skin is so sensitive that he screams "Ow" whenever I wipe him to change his diaper.  It's just not fun.   (I know, changing diapers is never fun but this is torture).
  I am feeling burnt out.  I am losing my patience with him.   I need a break.   As much as I love him, I wish for one day that I had a "easy" toddler. 

Little Packets of Yummy Chicken Recipe

I found this recipe and thought I'd give it a go - The kids were picky like usual, Jackson simply sat down at the table, took one look at his plate and told me he was going to bed....lol   

Ingredients:
- Cooked Chicken Breast (I cooked 2 good sized ones and cut them into 1 inch cubes)
-1 Cup of Shredded Cheddar Cheese
-1 Can of Cream of Chicken Soup
-2 Cans of Crescent Rolls
-1 Cup of Milk

First, I cut up the chicken into 1 inch cubes and cooked it on the stove until it was browned
Then, I made up the soup - 1 can of Cream of Chicken Soup and 1 Cup of Milk in a bowl
Next, I spread out the Crescent Rolls - I kept them in 2's - so they made a rectangle.  (I tried taking them apart individually and it was a lot harder so then I got smart)
Put a little bit of chicken and a little bit of cheese in each one - I used about 1tbsp or so in each
Then, roll up the Crescent Rolls "burrito style" and pinch the edges together
Place in a 9x13 pan and cover with the soup
If you have extra chicken and cheese (which I did), just stick it in the dish too before you cover with the soup
Bake at 350 for 30 minutes
I served it with a veggie

"Mama Do It"

  Those three simple words are like nails on a chalkboard lately.   The Beast is going through some sort of separation anxiety thing way beyond what my older two have ever gone through.   He refuses to let anyone do anything for him except for "mama".   It's not even like I can make it fun and turn it into a drinking game because let's face it, I'd be hammered by 10am.  
  This weekend, my parents were here for Easter.  My mom and I took the boys for a walk around the neighborhood and Jackson is still needing help with pushing off and getting started while riding his bike so let my mom push the stroller so I could help Jackson.  Well, you would have thought the world was coming to an end because as soon as The Beast realized that "Mama was NOT doing it" he had a melt down to end all meltdowns.   He was screaming and crying and trying to get out of the stroller while repeating over and over "MAMA DO IT".   Seriously?   So, from that point on, grandma was not even allowed to touch the stroller or he would swat at her.    Yes, I said "swat" at her, isn't he sweet? 
  Last weekend Trevor's brother and sister in law were here with our teenage nephew and it was the same thing all weekend.   Nobody was allowed to touch him to change his diaper, "Mama Do It" or put him to bed, nothing.   Frankly I was looking forward to a little break, people to occupy The Beast so I could do things for the other two kids but that did not happen.   The Beast is so stubborn that heaven forbid he cave in just a little and not make my life a living hell for just one moment.   It would be nice if just once it was "Daddy Do It".  Sigh.