Apparently I should "Seek Therapy"

So a week or so ago, I was at a place (I will not mention where, last time I did I got in trouble) and at that place were a bunch of moms sitting around a table waiting for our children to do something.    While we were sitting there, we were talking and laughing and telling stories about kids.  Well I got started telling stories about The Beast and how delightful he makes our life because it's always something.    I was saying how exhausting he is and we were all laughing and having a good time because everyone knew I still love him but get frustrated with him.   Then, out of the blue, one of the other moms looks at me and says "Maybe you should see a therapist".  The whole table got silent.  I was thinking in my head, seriously?  did she really just say that out loud to me? I didn't want to make the whole table feel uncomfortable but I had to say something.  I told her "Well gee, thank you, that was a pretty offensive statement to make" and then laughed it off.  I honestly don't think she meant it in a really bad way and then she could see I was upset and she tried to say how she would never be able to deal with a child like that because her children were so perfect.  (Yeah, like that makes me feel any better).   But all I could think is "Who says that to someone?"  There is nothing wrong with seeking therapy and believe me, some days I have seriously considered it, but that is such a personal thing to say to someone, especially someone you barely know. 

What is wrong with people today?  I am not perfect by any means and I'm sure I have said things that hurt other people but never really on purpose (unless they deserve it) but I also know not to say things like that to someone I don't really know.

I am currently dealing with a situation that is similar.  Some people and I have a private message on Facebook where we discuss dance related issues and the show "dance moms" that we don't want to share on our wall.   Two of us had competition this weekend and our daughters all did fantastic and won high scores and awards.  We were telling each other about it and most of us were so happy for each other but then of course you have one person in the group who is jealous or bitter or just plain mean.   They come on and make a comment about how their child never wins any awards but they are also the studio that doesn't go around inappropriately shaking their booty and gyrating all over the place so she is ok with that.  WTF?  Seriously?   You cannot just be happy for our children, you have to insinuate that our children are inappropriate.   I don't just understand people.   (For the record, I know that I didn't take what she said wrong because two other people took it the same way as me and this person is known to be a "I have to top everyone and I have a story to top yours, the world revolves around me, etc".)

I just get so frustrated because I am not afraid to stand up to those people instead of just talk about them behind their backs.   I really wish more people would do that, honestly, it makes life so much easier sometimes.  It's ok for someone to not love every single thing you say and it's ok if you make someone upset on occasion, it doesn't make you a bitch (like it apparently makes me).   I know conflict is hard by writing this blog I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, just venting a frustration aimed at the people who say the "rude comments" in the first place. 

I don't know, maybe I do need therapy?   LOL

Is It My Fault?

This is probably one of the hardest blog entries that I am going to write.  As a mother, you want to think that you have done everything that you possibly can to make sure that your children are happy and healthy. 

This weekend was really a rough one with The Beast and how he was acting.  He was extremely irritable, cranky, mean and just plain no fun to be around.  I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are working on taking the pacifier away from him.    (Because of his sensory issues, he has a strong oral fixation)   Anyway, we had it completely taken away and he was doing alright but then he found one in his toys and popped it into his mouth and it's like it made him even more angry because  he realized what he was missing.    We tried to run errands on Sunday and it was miserable. 

Before I get into the main reason of the blog, I have a little back story.   Right before I found out I was pregnant with The Beast, I went to Las Vegas with some girlfriends from Saturday thru Tuesday.   I took a pregnancy test before I went just because I wanted to be certain that I could party and have a good time.  I was on birth control and we certainly weren't trying to have another baby so I got the green light when the test came back negative.   Anyway, I drank the entire weekend and didn't take a break until Tuesday morning when I had to fly home.   We went to night clubs, we walked the strip and spent the entire weekend pretty much drunk.  A couple of weeks later, I went to a friend's house for the day with the kids and when I got home I had a terrible upset stomach.  The only time that I throw up is when I am pregnant.   It turns out I was pregnant, about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant which meant The Beast was literally "forming" while I was in Las Vegas.   When I found out, I called the dr immediately and was honest with them about everything.  They didn't seem too concerned and were more worried about my anti-anxiety meds I was taking and made me go off of those cold turkey. 

Anyway, I always joke around with people and say that The Beast is the way he is because I spent the time he was "forming" in my belly drunk.  Just for the heck of it, we decided to look it up: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effect and look what I found:   Honestly, it makes me want to cry.
-Low Birth Weight
-Small Head Circumference
-Developmental Delays
-Learning difficulties, including poor memory, inability to understand concepts such as time and money, poor language comprehension, poor problem-solving skills

Here's the biggie:
- behavioral problems, including hyperactivity, inability to concentrate, social withdrawal, stubbornness, impulsiveness, and anxiety

That describes The Beast to a "T"....Behavioral Problems, Inability to Concentrate, Stubbornness, Impulsiveness......We also think he struggles with anxiety.

Really there isn't much we can do about it and I certainly didn't drink while pregnant on purpose, I had absolutely NO clue that there was even a possibility that I could be pregnant.   I am humiliated and embarrassed to even bring it up but I cannot help but wonder,  Is it my fault? 

Frustrations.....

  Right now, The Beast is 2 years and 3 months old.  By this time with my other two, they were both 1) done with pacifiers, 2) done with bottles, 3) sleeping in a toddler bed and 4)completely or almost completely potty trained.   The Beast is none of the above and it frustrates me to no end.  Yes, I know every child is different but the pressure I get from the "outside" world is beyond annoying.   Do you know how many times a day I hear "He shouldn't have that paci" or "Why is he still drinking from a bottle" or "My child is peeing on the potty".  As hard as it is not to, it makes me feel like I'm not doing something right.   But, I do need to realize that The Beast is a completely different child than my other two, heck than any other child on the planet and he will do things when he wants to, how he wants to and there will be no other way about it.   I have lost all control with him and it pretty much kills me because I am a control freak.
  People who have "easy" children just do not understand.  It is SO easy for them to say to me, "Just cut the tip off of the pacifier, he won't want it anymore" and tell me that "the first few days will be rough".  I know that, I have done this before, trust me, The Diva had her pacifier 24 hours a day/7 days a week from birth until the age of 2, she didn't like giving it up, but she did.
  Part of The Beast's thing is, he has a major "oral fixation" and sucking on his paci and bottle keep him calm and sort of relaxed (well, as relaxed as a Beast can get).  If it causes one less temper tantrum a day, it helps because we have many.   If I don't let him have his paci or bottle, he sucks on the tag of his blankie and it is so digusting that the whole area surrounding his tag on his blanket is  now permanently brown and wet.   (It also smells no matter how much I wash it).   I also cannot find another blanket exactly like his to replace it with.
  The Occupational Therapist brought over some toys called "Chewies" for him because lately he has been chewing up his pacifiers so there are holes in them.   We are trying to transition him to these things but seriously, they look like dog toys and freak me out a little.   It's bad enough I call him The Beast but to give him things that dog toys, ooooh the haters would have fun with that one, wouldn't they?   I honestly cannot imagine taking him out in public with these things, the looks I would get. 
  Anyway, I am super frustrated with him right now.  He has absolutely NO desire to potty train either.   I honestly wonder at times if he can even feel it when he wets or poops in his pants.   He will sit in his filth all day if we let him and his skin is so sensitive that he screams "Ow" whenever I wipe him to change his diaper.  It's just not fun.   (I know, changing diapers is never fun but this is torture).
  I am feeling burnt out.  I am losing my patience with him.   I need a break.   As much as I love him, I wish for one day that I had a "easy" toddler. 

Little Packets of Yummy Chicken Recipe

I found this recipe and thought I'd give it a go - The kids were picky like usual, Jackson simply sat down at the table, took one look at his plate and told me he was going to bed....lol   

Ingredients:
- Cooked Chicken Breast (I cooked 2 good sized ones and cut them into 1 inch cubes)
-1 Cup of Shredded Cheddar Cheese
-1 Can of Cream of Chicken Soup
-2 Cans of Crescent Rolls
-1 Cup of Milk

First, I cut up the chicken into 1 inch cubes and cooked it on the stove until it was browned
Then, I made up the soup - 1 can of Cream of Chicken Soup and 1 Cup of Milk in a bowl
Next, I spread out the Crescent Rolls - I kept them in 2's - so they made a rectangle.  (I tried taking them apart individually and it was a lot harder so then I got smart)
Put a little bit of chicken and a little bit of cheese in each one - I used about 1tbsp or so in each
Then, roll up the Crescent Rolls "burrito style" and pinch the edges together
Place in a 9x13 pan and cover with the soup
If you have extra chicken and cheese (which I did), just stick it in the dish too before you cover with the soup
Bake at 350 for 30 minutes
I served it with a veggie

"Mama Do It"

  Those three simple words are like nails on a chalkboard lately.   The Beast is going through some sort of separation anxiety thing way beyond what my older two have ever gone through.   He refuses to let anyone do anything for him except for "mama".   It's not even like I can make it fun and turn it into a drinking game because let's face it, I'd be hammered by 10am.  
  This weekend, my parents were here for Easter.  My mom and I took the boys for a walk around the neighborhood and Jackson is still needing help with pushing off and getting started while riding his bike so let my mom push the stroller so I could help Jackson.  Well, you would have thought the world was coming to an end because as soon as The Beast realized that "Mama was NOT doing it" he had a melt down to end all meltdowns.   He was screaming and crying and trying to get out of the stroller while repeating over and over "MAMA DO IT".   Seriously?   So, from that point on, grandma was not even allowed to touch the stroller or he would swat at her.    Yes, I said "swat" at her, isn't he sweet? 
  Last weekend Trevor's brother and sister in law were here with our teenage nephew and it was the same thing all weekend.   Nobody was allowed to touch him to change his diaper, "Mama Do It" or put him to bed, nothing.   Frankly I was looking forward to a little break, people to occupy The Beast so I could do things for the other two kids but that did not happen.   The Beast is so stubborn that heaven forbid he cave in just a little and not make my life a living hell for just one moment.   It would be nice if just once it was "Daddy Do It".  Sigh.
 

Dance Competition

Hi all, I know it's been awhile but honestly I haven't had too much exciting to blog about and I've been terribly lazy.   The Beast has pretty much been the same but I'll blog about him on another day.  Today I am going to brag about my seven year old daughter and her dance team.

This weekend I got to experience my first official dance competition and it was pretty fantastic.  We did a practice one a few weeks ago so I kind of knew what to expect but it was pretty amazing.  The whole group of Tiny Techers were there, which was 17 girls and 1 boy.   They did dances to two songs within an hour of each other so in between we had to get them changed, touch up hair and make up and make sure everything was organized because the awards were immediately following their second dance. 

I have to admit, I thought that they would never really do all that well since there are so many of them.  A lot of the group are 5 and 6 year olds and we all know how it is trying to get them to do anything, it's literally like herding cats.   It's nothing against the children or the teacher, nobody could get them all to do every move perfectly in sync and not make a single mistake but they did great!  

The way the scoring works is basically this:  They do each of their dances and get rating out of three (each dance company calls it something different so I am going to use 1, 2 and 3).   Then, at the end of all the dances getting their rating, they do an "overall" top five from each age group and style of dance.  

The kids first dance was to the song "Step In Time" from Mary Poppins where they were chimney sweeps.  Out of the two it is not their favorite dance and with a few of the kids you can definitely tell they aren't as into it.   They received a 3 for the dance.  Here is a picture of Olivia ready for this dance:

The next dance was titled "Chihuahua" from Beverly Hills Chihuahua and it is their favorite dance and so fun to watch.   For that dance they received their first 2.  Here is Olivia ready to dance for the one.  For each of the dances they received a ribbon.

Then, they held the overall awards and the kids received a SECOND PLACE for their dance to Chihuahua!!!  It was so exciting and made all the stress and anxiety totally worth it.   For that they received a medal.  Here is Olivia with her awards:

Olivia is very competitive and the whole way there she was hoping they would get better than a "3".  She strives for perfection and no matter how hard I try, I can't convince her that she doesn't have to be perfect.  When she got home she was proudly wearing her medal and I don't think she's taken it off since.   

Is it Depression?

I have not been feeling myself lately.   I haven't really had much ambition to do much of anything except sit on the couch and watch tv.  But, then if I do nothing, I have been getting very anxious so it's kind of a catch 22.   I have always struggled with some anxiety but I wonder if I'm not getting a touch of depression.   It's kind of  embarrassing to talk about it but I think talking about it might help.  

I've noticed that I haven't really had much to talk about with anyone.  I usually post quite a bit of stuff that is going on, on Facebook but I haven't even been doing a whole lot of that.   I think being stuck at home with nothing to do is a lot of it.    Having The Beast limits so much of what I can do.   He still takes a three hour nap and if I miss that nap, I pay for it all afternoon and all night.  Sometimes I wish I had someone who would come over and just sit here while he naps (for free of course...lol) so I can get some stuff done.   Even if I do take him out to run errands he isn't much fun, he hates to be confided to the stroller or the shopping cart and unless I am feeding him sucker after sucker the whole time, he is a major pain.   Which, heaven forbid I do that because I would be getting looks from those "perfect" mothers with their "perfect" children who just don't understand what it's like to have a "Beast".  

Then again, I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with the Mirena IUD that I had inserted a few weeks ago too.   Maybe it's the fact that it's winter.   Maybe it's a mixture of all of those things.  

People who are not going through the feelings that I am just don't understand.  I don't dare post something about this on my status update because you will have those people who 1) think I am posting too personal of information out there and 2) who think that I am terrible because they are the type who think the world is made up of rainbows and sunshine and you should be happy all of the time.   I'm sorry but those people drive me insane.   Yes, it's nice to be happy more than you are not but it's just not normal.   Nobody has a smile plastered on their face 100% of the time and thinks nothing but happy thoughts.   

I don't really know where I'm going with this blog.   The Beast has been so crabby lately, maybe he is going off of my mood or maybe my mood is going off of his.    It's almost unbearable.   We are quite a pair.