Being a Stay At Home Mom

Let's face it, being a mom is tough.   Being a Stay At Home Mom is really tough.  Being a Working Mom is tough.  No matter which you have to do or pick to do, I think there will always be feelings of guilt or slight jealousy.   Neither one is the right answer, it's what you want to do and what is best for your family.   I am not the stay at home mom type, I never have been.   I love my children dearly but I am a much better mom when I am working.  

Since we've moved to the Minneapolis area from "up north", I have become a stay at home mom.  I will admit, it's nice being home all day and feeling like your not rushed getting everyone up and ready in the morning and out the door trying so desperately hard to make it into work on time.  It is nice being here to see all of the Beast's milestones, I don't think I've missed a single one yet.  It's nice to have dinner ready and not be eating at 7pm or later.   I like being here when Olivia gets off of the bus to hear about her day.  But that is about the extent of it.  The truth is, I miss working, not just a little, I miss it a lot.

I'm going to admit something here, I don't like to admit this, but because I stay at home, my self esteem has really taken a beating.   I used to feel so good about myself because when I worked at my last job, I was a foreclosure counselor, I felt important to someone.  Yes, probably selfish of me, I certainly didn't think I was a superhero but I saved people from losing their  homes to foreclosure, it was so rewarding and I loved the job, my co-workers, I loved being at the office and interacting with adults and having conversations that didn't revolve around poop, spongebob, etc.  Right now,  I feel like all I am good for is wiping butts, changine diapers, getting snacks and changing the channel on the tv.   Most days I feel worthless and it sucks.   I know I am so lucky to hear how I get to stay at home ( and frankly I am tired of hearing it because to me, those people are so lucky to have a job and I don't need to hear it right now ) but I feel trapped.   I am not the type of person to spend my whole day baking cupcakes and cookies and be on my hands and knees scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush.   I spend most of my days doing nothing and it kills me.   I also have to avoid going out and doing things all of the time because then I'm spending money and we are down one income so that makes a huge difference.    (I'm not saying we are struggling or anything, I just don't need to go crazy, if that makes any sense)

I have been looking for a job since we moved here.  I have sent out a ton of resumes along with a packet to the local non profit agency with my resume, cover letter, letter of reference and certification hoping they would want another foreclosure counselor who has  been through all the training and is ready to go but I haven't heard a thing from anyone.  I had one phone interview at Polaris and didn't get past that (I don't know if it'd be a good idea to work in the same building as my husband anyway) and then I got an email about a job two days ago but it didn't pay enough to cover the cost of daycare for the boys, let alone afterschool care for Olivia.  It's frustrating because I'm realizing that I am going to be a stay at home mom for the long run.    husband tells me that I should look into doing daycare but I can only laugh at him, somedays I barely like my own children, let alone other people's kids....that would not work.   I admire daycare providers because I could never in a million years do what they do and be good at it.  

I guess my point of this is that being a mom is hard no matter what.   We all suffer with feelings of guilt so let's support each other the best way we can.