I haven't blogged in a long time, I actually haven't blogged as much as I would have liked to this year but I had a rough year. This blog isn't going to be so much about the Beast as it is about myself and what I have learned in the past year.
Side not: If you want to keep up with The Beast, I created a Facebook page for him called The Beast - go ahead and "like" it and you will get to see his latest shenanigans.
Things I've learned in 2012
*To let people and things go; This one I have learned more recently. I had a family member who my entire life has been outright verbally abusive towards me and anything that I do. They once told me that they were shocked my daughter was such a good kid because I am her mother and they couldn't believe how down to earth and fun to be around she is. Nice hey? This person also has told me throughout my entire life that I am fat, stupid and a spoiled brat. Keep in mind, this is someone that is a very close member of family so for all of these years, it's just been too hard to cut them off. This year, I had enough. The final straw was when I was really proud of something I have accomplished and every time I would post something about it, he would post something negative or snarky about how awful my personality was. I realized that it is way better for me to just let this person go and cut them off completely than to keep the peace in the family and continue to put up with the abuse.
*I can do anything I put my mind to; This year, I took a look in the mirror one day and was completely disgusted by what I saw. I had gained a lot of weight over the years and it was time to get rid of it. However, for so many years, I just never thought I could actually do it. It seemed just too overwhelming to me. Plus, I had discovered by seeing a therapist that I was afraid to lose the weight and be considered "pretty" again because in the past, every time I felt that I was "pretty" or "beautiful", something negative happened to me. I won't go into the details of what those events were because I'd rather keep them private but they were significant enough to really leave an impact of how I thought about myself. It was just easier to be ugly and overweight. I am happy to say that since September, I have lost over 40 pounds. I am down 4 pants sizes, 4 notches on my belt and 1-2 shirt sizes. It feels pretty amazing.
*Mommy Groups are not for me; I have always thought that it was important to have a lot of friends but I have found out that is not the case. In the past, I have joined a couple different groups of women and have come to the conclusion that these "Mommy Groups" are just not for me. I am ok with that but I really struggled at first. I don't want to offend anyone by saying this but MY experience with those groups just go to show how judgmental and downright mean those women are. I am not your typical stay at home, soccer mom. I would prefer to work and interact with other adults where we don't have to sit and talk about our children the entire time. I can easily leave my child(ren) with a babysitter or daycare and go off and have some time to myself without feeling guilty about it. I also love to go out and have a few cocktails and have a good time. The groups that I have found and have been a part of are absolutely the opposite of me and have been the type that try and make others feel bad so they can feel better about themselves and I just don't agree with that.
*I am important too; I have always sacrificed time to myself for my family and because of that, I have always felt unimportant and taken advantage of. It made me bitter. This year, I took a lot of time to myself and I still do and I think that I am a much happier person because of it. I have also just kept my mouth shut (shocking I know) and kept the peace many times in relationships but this year I learned how to stand up for myself. It caused a rough road for awhile, but in the end it was the best thing that I could have done.
*Friends mean everything; It is definitely not about quantity when it comes to friends, it is quality and let me tell you, I have some quality friends. It's just too bad that I am in Minneapolis and most of them are in Michigan. But, I try to see them as often as I can and luckily I got to spent a lot of time with them this summer. It really made our bonds stronger and I am so lucky to have them. There are some that are even further away (you know who you are) that also mean the world to me and I am so fortunate to have people like that in my life, who always have my back and are always there for me.
*You learn who your friends are; When your road gets rocky and things get hard, you really do learn who your real friends are. They are the people who continue to check up on you after they know you are having a hard time and the ones who kick you in the ass when you need it but don't want it. They are the ones who listen to you complain over and over and over and over about the same thing until the one day you realize what they have realized all along. They are the ones who don't get bored with your "drama" and stick it out with you and aren't just in it to get all the juicy details.
*Competitive Dance/People are not for me; I can be a competitive person but I do not go overboard. We tried out the dance world for one year and that was enough for me and for my diva. It is amazing to me, how crazy these people are over dance for girls at such a young age. Let's be realistic here, even if your child is a fantastic dancer, the chances of them becoming a professional dancer are slim. It is also so incredibly expensive. I know people who have gone through a foreclosure and filed bankruptcy but refuse to take their child out of dance and pay for them to do solo's. Most of the "Dance Mom's" are the type who will kiss ass because they think it will help make their child a better dancer in the eyes of the teacher and this is something that I refuse to do. I want my child to succeed on their own, not because I suck up to their teacher. What kind of message is that sending? We were lucky and Olivia decided on her own that it was just not fun and wanted out after the first year. My anxiety cannot handle most of those people.
*Only you can make you happy; This one is pretty self explanatory.
*Do not be afraid of change; This is by far the hardest one for me. I despise change and I do not handle it well at all. I need to take "happy pills" if I am dealing with any kind of change because my anxiety does not like it. I hate change so much, that I am that person who never rearranges my furniture and I only work out at one gym because going to a different one stresses me out so much. I know, I am crazy, I admit it. I stood up to the possibility of a huge change in my life and I handled it ok, I think. (My friends might beg to differ...lol) Sometimes, change can be a great thing although it is hard in the beginning.
*It is ok to ask for help and admit to people that you are floundering; This one is hard for me too. I don't like to burden other people with my problems or make it look like things are not going well. I don't ask for help much and when I do, it takes a lot. I am always amazed at those people who will come right out and ask you for something that they need; like a babysitter or to borrow money. I was going through a very personal struggle this year and couldn't work through it alone. I went to a therapist for a few months and was amazed at the things I learned. Because of those things, I was able to work through my problem and things are going pretty good for me right now. Maybe because of that, I will be more open to ask for help in the future.
*Temporary Insanity is a real thing; ; )
*Life is short; Have fun; I would hope that this wouldn't need too much explanation. Life is way too short to spend it upset or bored. Everyone needs to have a lot of fun. No matter what that means to you; if it's staying at home with your family watching a movie or going out with your friends and getting into some innocent trouble, fun is so important. Life is too short to be so serious.
On that note, I want to wish all of my family and friends and anyone else who reads my blog a very Happy New Year!! I wish you nothing but happiness and hope to have a lot of good times with everyone in the next year. Please be safe tonight. I am staying in and probably going to bed early since I volunteered to work all day tomorrow.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Taking the Next Step
It's been awhile since I've blogged but I've been going through some stuff so I have kind of put it on the back burner.
Awhile ago, we had a meeting with The Beast's Early Intervention Teacher, his Speech Therapist and his Occupational Therapist to see where he was at. He is actually doing amazing right now and has pretty much caught up with everything and is speaking at the rate of an older three year old and he is not even three yet. So, we decided to drop the speech therapist because why make her waste her time with him when she could be helping kids who really need it. We have made a lot of progress lately, this summer we were able to get rid of the pacifier and then in the last few weeks we have gotten rid of his bottles and his crib. This went way easier than I thought it would so I was grateful for that. Shortly after he was done with his bottles, I went up into his bedroom to check on him while he was sleeping and he had a pacifier in his mouth. So, basically, he has been hiding a pacifier somewhere waiting for just the right time to pull it out. I guess I don't mind because he doesn't use it nearly as much as he did. He even went to grandma's house for three days without it and was fine. I'm going to pick my battles.
Our last major battle is potty training. By this age both of the other kids were fully day and night trained and The Beast absolutely refuses to even try. He has yet to even accidentally go in the potty chair. He is so strong willed that there is no reasoning with him, I have tried everything; letting him pick out his own underwear (he chose lego batman like his brother), let him pick out his own potty chair (a Cars one with a gear shift that makes noise) and I have even assembled a treat basket so when he actually uses the potty, he gets a treat. The kids literally screams like I am killing him if I even try to put underwear on him. If I put him on the potty, he does everything except sit still to actually try and go potty. It's so frustrating and I am so tired of diapers. He will purposely hide when he poops in his diaper because he doesn't want me to change it. It's disgusting and he has such sensitive skin that he ends up in a rash all of the time. They don't make the only diaper he isn't allergic to in a size 6 so the poor kid always has a rash.
Anyway, at this meeting with the other teachers, we decided to bring in a therapist. Our school district has a new grant for 0-3 year and they wanted me to try it. A therapist will see The Beast in three different settings; our home, her office and one other place (maybe daycare?) and evaluate him to see if there are any issues that she can formally diagnose. I told her that my hunch are any of the following: Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD or Anxiety.
It's not that I want him to have something wrong with him, it's not that at all. I know he's doing well but there is just something about the way he acts that I don't know how to handle. The reason I am bringing in the therapist is because he will not qualify for Early Intervention in January when he turns 3. He is doing too well with his milestones to qualify. But, I am worried that once he gets into school he is going to struggle and if he isn't in Early Intervention, it will be like jumping through hoops to get him any extra help. If he is already enrolled in the program, he will always automatically have the help he needs right there in the school. I am of course hoping that he doesn't need the extra help, but it's good to know that he automatically has it if he needs it. He will also be able to start preschool next year in the 4 year old class, even though he is 3, because his EI teacher is in that classroom and she would take responsibility for him.
Overall, I think this is a good thing and I am happy with my decision although family questions it. They seem to think that I want something to be wrong with him and it's not that it all. If there is something going on, I would love to find out so we can address it and simply move on. It is always hanging out in the back of my mind and this will maybe put me at ease.
So, I am curious to see how it goes today and hoping that it goes well. The Beast will be on his best behavior I'm sure, just to make me look like I am a crazy person, that's what he does : )
Awhile ago, we had a meeting with The Beast's Early Intervention Teacher, his Speech Therapist and his Occupational Therapist to see where he was at. He is actually doing amazing right now and has pretty much caught up with everything and is speaking at the rate of an older three year old and he is not even three yet. So, we decided to drop the speech therapist because why make her waste her time with him when she could be helping kids who really need it. We have made a lot of progress lately, this summer we were able to get rid of the pacifier and then in the last few weeks we have gotten rid of his bottles and his crib. This went way easier than I thought it would so I was grateful for that. Shortly after he was done with his bottles, I went up into his bedroom to check on him while he was sleeping and he had a pacifier in his mouth. So, basically, he has been hiding a pacifier somewhere waiting for just the right time to pull it out. I guess I don't mind because he doesn't use it nearly as much as he did. He even went to grandma's house for three days without it and was fine. I'm going to pick my battles.
Our last major battle is potty training. By this age both of the other kids were fully day and night trained and The Beast absolutely refuses to even try. He has yet to even accidentally go in the potty chair. He is so strong willed that there is no reasoning with him, I have tried everything; letting him pick out his own underwear (he chose lego batman like his brother), let him pick out his own potty chair (a Cars one with a gear shift that makes noise) and I have even assembled a treat basket so when he actually uses the potty, he gets a treat. The kids literally screams like I am killing him if I even try to put underwear on him. If I put him on the potty, he does everything except sit still to actually try and go potty. It's so frustrating and I am so tired of diapers. He will purposely hide when he poops in his diaper because he doesn't want me to change it. It's disgusting and he has such sensitive skin that he ends up in a rash all of the time. They don't make the only diaper he isn't allergic to in a size 6 so the poor kid always has a rash.
Anyway, at this meeting with the other teachers, we decided to bring in a therapist. Our school district has a new grant for 0-3 year and they wanted me to try it. A therapist will see The Beast in three different settings; our home, her office and one other place (maybe daycare?) and evaluate him to see if there are any issues that she can formally diagnose. I told her that my hunch are any of the following: Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD or Anxiety.
It's not that I want him to have something wrong with him, it's not that at all. I know he's doing well but there is just something about the way he acts that I don't know how to handle. The reason I am bringing in the therapist is because he will not qualify for Early Intervention in January when he turns 3. He is doing too well with his milestones to qualify. But, I am worried that once he gets into school he is going to struggle and if he isn't in Early Intervention, it will be like jumping through hoops to get him any extra help. If he is already enrolled in the program, he will always automatically have the help he needs right there in the school. I am of course hoping that he doesn't need the extra help, but it's good to know that he automatically has it if he needs it. He will also be able to start preschool next year in the 4 year old class, even though he is 3, because his EI teacher is in that classroom and she would take responsibility for him.
Overall, I think this is a good thing and I am happy with my decision although family questions it. They seem to think that I want something to be wrong with him and it's not that it all. If there is something going on, I would love to find out so we can address it and simply move on. It is always hanging out in the back of my mind and this will maybe put me at ease.
So, I am curious to see how it goes today and hoping that it goes well. The Beast will be on his best behavior I'm sure, just to make me look like I am a crazy person, that's what he does : )
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Anxiety
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is a mood disorder that is characterized
by multiple and/or nonspecific worries that interfere with the person's life in
some way.
This is something that I struggle with and it really sucks. I know that it's common and many people out there have it but it is so embarrassing. It effects everything and a lot of the time I try to deal with it on my own without the help of prescription medications because the side effects just aren't fun. I think that I have probably struggled with this my entire life but just didn't know it until I had Jackson.
I remember the day that I really knew something was wrong. Jackson was still little and I was having a rough time at work. I was a foreclosure counselor for a non profit organization and I loved my job. It gave me a purpose in life and I felt like I was really doing something good with my time and it was very fulfilling. A local company had a HUGE lay off because it was right when the economy started to tank. At the time I lived in a very small town so the majority of the people who were calling me for help, I just couldn't help and I knew a lot of them. At the time, a mortgage company wouldn't work with you if you were only receiving unemployment as an income because it wasn't considered "steady and reliable". I was getting so many calls from people that I couldn't help, we had just moved out of our house into a rental house and I had these two children at home. I was just so overwhelmed that I had a mini break down. I haven't told a whole lot of people about this and it was three or four years ago. Anyway, I remember waking up one morning and just thinking to myself, if I don't go to the dr, I am going to pack a bag and just leave. So, I called the dr and got in immediately.
I was diagnosed with GAD and actually went to therapy a few times plus was prescribed anti anxiety medication. I was also ordered to take 2 weeks off of work and to just lay low and try to relax and keep stress out of my life. Eventually, I was able to get myself on a medication that worked for me and was doing great and then I got pregnant with The Beast. I had to cut my medication out cold turkey and that was hell.
Since I had The Beast, I haven't gone back on my meds and lately I have been feeling like it just might be time again. I am finding myself very overwhelmed by the littlest things and I worry nonstop about everything. I wanted to write this blog because I find the whole topic to be very embarrassing to admit and I need to stop doing that. It's not something I can control. I am also using this as a little bit of an education to those who may be struggling and don't even know it.
Some of my specifics include:
restlessness or feeling edgy
becoming tired easily
trouble concentrating
feeling as if the mind is going "blank"
irritability
sleep problems (trouble falling or staying asleep or having sleep that is not restful).
Re-experiencing the trauma in repeated nightmares or flashbacks
Difficulty trusting others
fear of losing control
numbness or tingling sensations
There are so many more symptoms out there but those are just some of mine. I know that I need to go in and talk to the dr, it's just finding the time now that it's summer vacation, I have three kids at home and my husband is traveling. That is a lot of the problem, not having the time to myself to ever do anything, I think it intensifies my symptoms.
Anyway, if you read this, thanks for listening and letting me get it off of my shoulders. Sometimes that helps the most. I think that after reading this, some people might understand me a little bit better and know why I am the way I am. I think that I get misread a lot of times and it's because of these "issues". But, it's not exactly something you want to break out in conversation when you first are getting to know someone new.
Does anyone else suffer from anxiety? What do you do to help "deal" with it?
This is something that I struggle with and it really sucks. I know that it's common and many people out there have it but it is so embarrassing. It effects everything and a lot of the time I try to deal with it on my own without the help of prescription medications because the side effects just aren't fun. I think that I have probably struggled with this my entire life but just didn't know it until I had Jackson.
I remember the day that I really knew something was wrong. Jackson was still little and I was having a rough time at work. I was a foreclosure counselor for a non profit organization and I loved my job. It gave me a purpose in life and I felt like I was really doing something good with my time and it was very fulfilling. A local company had a HUGE lay off because it was right when the economy started to tank. At the time I lived in a very small town so the majority of the people who were calling me for help, I just couldn't help and I knew a lot of them. At the time, a mortgage company wouldn't work with you if you were only receiving unemployment as an income because it wasn't considered "steady and reliable". I was getting so many calls from people that I couldn't help, we had just moved out of our house into a rental house and I had these two children at home. I was just so overwhelmed that I had a mini break down. I haven't told a whole lot of people about this and it was three or four years ago. Anyway, I remember waking up one morning and just thinking to myself, if I don't go to the dr, I am going to pack a bag and just leave. So, I called the dr and got in immediately.
I was diagnosed with GAD and actually went to therapy a few times plus was prescribed anti anxiety medication. I was also ordered to take 2 weeks off of work and to just lay low and try to relax and keep stress out of my life. Eventually, I was able to get myself on a medication that worked for me and was doing great and then I got pregnant with The Beast. I had to cut my medication out cold turkey and that was hell.
Since I had The Beast, I haven't gone back on my meds and lately I have been feeling like it just might be time again. I am finding myself very overwhelmed by the littlest things and I worry nonstop about everything. I wanted to write this blog because I find the whole topic to be very embarrassing to admit and I need to stop doing that. It's not something I can control. I am also using this as a little bit of an education to those who may be struggling and don't even know it.
Some of my specifics include:
restlessness or feeling edgy
becoming tired easily
trouble concentrating
feeling as if the mind is going "blank"
irritability
sleep problems (trouble falling or staying asleep or having sleep that is not restful).
Re-experiencing the trauma in repeated nightmares or flashbacks
Difficulty trusting others
fear of losing control
numbness or tingling sensations
There are so many more symptoms out there but those are just some of mine. I know that I need to go in and talk to the dr, it's just finding the time now that it's summer vacation, I have three kids at home and my husband is traveling. That is a lot of the problem, not having the time to myself to ever do anything, I think it intensifies my symptoms.
Anyway, if you read this, thanks for listening and letting me get it off of my shoulders. Sometimes that helps the most. I think that after reading this, some people might understand me a little bit better and know why I am the way I am. I think that I get misread a lot of times and it's because of these "issues". But, it's not exactly something you want to break out in conversation when you first are getting to know someone new.
Does anyone else suffer from anxiety? What do you do to help "deal" with it?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Apparently I should "Seek Therapy"
So a week or so ago, I was at a place (I will not mention where, last time I did I got in trouble) and at that place were a bunch of moms sitting around a table waiting for our children to do something. While we were sitting there, we were talking and laughing and telling stories about kids. Well I got started telling stories about The Beast and how delightful he makes our life because it's always something. I was saying how exhausting he is and we were all laughing and having a good time because everyone knew I still love him but get frustrated with him. Then, out of the blue, one of the other moms looks at me and says "Maybe you should see a therapist". The whole table got silent. I was thinking in my head, seriously? did she really just say that out loud to me? I didn't want to make the whole table feel uncomfortable but I had to say something. I told her "Well gee, thank you, that was a pretty offensive statement to make" and then laughed it off. I honestly don't think she meant it in a really bad way and then she could see I was upset and she tried to say how she would never be able to deal with a child like that because her children were so perfect. (Yeah, like that makes me feel any better). But all I could think is "Who says that to someone?" There is nothing wrong with seeking therapy and believe me, some days I have seriously considered it, but that is such a personal thing to say to someone, especially someone you barely know.
What is wrong with people today? I am not perfect by any means and I'm sure I have said things that hurt other people but never really on purpose (unless they deserve it) but I also know not to say things like that to someone I don't really know.
I am currently dealing with a situation that is similar. Some people and I have a private message on Facebook where we discuss dance related issues and the show "dance moms" that we don't want to share on our wall. Two of us had competition this weekend and our daughters all did fantastic and won high scores and awards. We were telling each other about it and most of us were so happy for each other but then of course you have one person in the group who is jealous or bitter or just plain mean. They come on and make a comment about how their child never wins any awards but they are also the studio that doesn't go around inappropriately shaking their booty and gyrating all over the place so she is ok with that. WTF? Seriously? You cannot just be happy for our children, you have to insinuate that our children are inappropriate. I don't just understand people. (For the record, I know that I didn't take what she said wrong because two other people took it the same way as me and this person is known to be a "I have to top everyone and I have a story to top yours, the world revolves around me, etc".)
I just get so frustrated because I am not afraid to stand up to those people instead of just talk about them behind their backs. I really wish more people would do that, honestly, it makes life so much easier sometimes. It's ok for someone to not love every single thing you say and it's ok if you make someone upset on occasion, it doesn't make you a bitch (like it apparently makes me). I know conflict is hard by writing this blog I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, just venting a frustration aimed at the people who say the "rude comments" in the first place.
I don't know, maybe I do need therapy? LOL
What is wrong with people today? I am not perfect by any means and I'm sure I have said things that hurt other people but never really on purpose (unless they deserve it) but I also know not to say things like that to someone I don't really know.
I am currently dealing with a situation that is similar. Some people and I have a private message on Facebook where we discuss dance related issues and the show "dance moms" that we don't want to share on our wall. Two of us had competition this weekend and our daughters all did fantastic and won high scores and awards. We were telling each other about it and most of us were so happy for each other but then of course you have one person in the group who is jealous or bitter or just plain mean. They come on and make a comment about how their child never wins any awards but they are also the studio that doesn't go around inappropriately shaking their booty and gyrating all over the place so she is ok with that. WTF? Seriously? You cannot just be happy for our children, you have to insinuate that our children are inappropriate. I don't just understand people. (For the record, I know that I didn't take what she said wrong because two other people took it the same way as me and this person is known to be a "I have to top everyone and I have a story to top yours, the world revolves around me, etc".)
I just get so frustrated because I am not afraid to stand up to those people instead of just talk about them behind their backs. I really wish more people would do that, honestly, it makes life so much easier sometimes. It's ok for someone to not love every single thing you say and it's ok if you make someone upset on occasion, it doesn't make you a bitch (like it apparently makes me). I know conflict is hard by writing this blog I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, just venting a frustration aimed at the people who say the "rude comments" in the first place.
I don't know, maybe I do need therapy? LOL
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Is It My Fault?
This is probably one of the hardest blog entries that I am going to write. As a mother, you want to think that you have done everything that you possibly can to make sure that your children are happy and healthy.
This weekend was really a rough one with The Beast and how he was acting. He was extremely irritable, cranky, mean and just plain no fun to be around. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are working on taking the pacifier away from him. (Because of his sensory issues, he has a strong oral fixation) Anyway, we had it completely taken away and he was doing alright but then he found one in his toys and popped it into his mouth and it's like it made him even more angry because he realized what he was missing. We tried to run errands on Sunday and it was miserable.
Before I get into the main reason of the blog, I have a little back story. Right before I found out I was pregnant with The Beast, I went to Las Vegas with some girlfriends from Saturday thru Tuesday. I took a pregnancy test before I went just because I wanted to be certain that I could party and have a good time. I was on birth control and we certainly weren't trying to have another baby so I got the green light when the test came back negative. Anyway, I drank the entire weekend and didn't take a break until Tuesday morning when I had to fly home. We went to night clubs, we walked the strip and spent the entire weekend pretty much drunk. A couple of weeks later, I went to a friend's house for the day with the kids and when I got home I had a terrible upset stomach. The only time that I throw up is when I am pregnant. It turns out I was pregnant, about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant which meant The Beast was literally "forming" while I was in Las Vegas. When I found out, I called the dr immediately and was honest with them about everything. They didn't seem too concerned and were more worried about my anti-anxiety meds I was taking and made me go off of those cold turkey.
Anyway, I always joke around with people and say that The Beast is the way he is because I spent the time he was "forming" in my belly drunk. Just for the heck of it, we decided to look it up: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effect and look what I found: Honestly, it makes me want to cry.
-Low Birth Weight
-Small Head Circumference
-Developmental Delays
-Learning difficulties, including poor memory, inability to understand concepts such as time and money, poor language comprehension, poor problem-solving skills
Here's the biggie:
- behavioral problems, including hyperactivity, inability to concentrate, social withdrawal, stubbornness, impulsiveness, and anxiety
That describes The Beast to a "T"....Behavioral Problems, Inability to Concentrate, Stubbornness, Impulsiveness......We also think he struggles with anxiety.
Really there isn't much we can do about it and I certainly didn't drink while pregnant on purpose, I had absolutely NO clue that there was even a possibility that I could be pregnant. I am humiliated and embarrassed to even bring it up but I cannot help but wonder, Is it my fault?
This weekend was really a rough one with The Beast and how he was acting. He was extremely irritable, cranky, mean and just plain no fun to be around. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are working on taking the pacifier away from him. (Because of his sensory issues, he has a strong oral fixation) Anyway, we had it completely taken away and he was doing alright but then he found one in his toys and popped it into his mouth and it's like it made him even more angry because he realized what he was missing. We tried to run errands on Sunday and it was miserable.
Before I get into the main reason of the blog, I have a little back story. Right before I found out I was pregnant with The Beast, I went to Las Vegas with some girlfriends from Saturday thru Tuesday. I took a pregnancy test before I went just because I wanted to be certain that I could party and have a good time. I was on birth control and we certainly weren't trying to have another baby so I got the green light when the test came back negative. Anyway, I drank the entire weekend and didn't take a break until Tuesday morning when I had to fly home. We went to night clubs, we walked the strip and spent the entire weekend pretty much drunk. A couple of weeks later, I went to a friend's house for the day with the kids and when I got home I had a terrible upset stomach. The only time that I throw up is when I am pregnant. It turns out I was pregnant, about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant which meant The Beast was literally "forming" while I was in Las Vegas. When I found out, I called the dr immediately and was honest with them about everything. They didn't seem too concerned and were more worried about my anti-anxiety meds I was taking and made me go off of those cold turkey.
Anyway, I always joke around with people and say that The Beast is the way he is because I spent the time he was "forming" in my belly drunk. Just for the heck of it, we decided to look it up: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effect and look what I found: Honestly, it makes me want to cry.
-Low Birth Weight
-Small Head Circumference
-Developmental Delays
-Learning difficulties, including poor memory, inability to understand concepts such as time and money, poor language comprehension, poor problem-solving skills
Here's the biggie:
- behavioral problems, including hyperactivity, inability to concentrate, social withdrawal, stubbornness, impulsiveness, and anxiety
That describes The Beast to a "T"....Behavioral Problems, Inability to Concentrate, Stubbornness, Impulsiveness......We also think he struggles with anxiety.
Really there isn't much we can do about it and I certainly didn't drink while pregnant on purpose, I had absolutely NO clue that there was even a possibility that I could be pregnant. I am humiliated and embarrassed to even bring it up but I cannot help but wonder, Is it my fault?
Monday, April 23, 2012
Frustrations.....
Right now, The Beast is 2 years and 3 months old. By this time with my other two, they were both 1) done with pacifiers, 2) done with bottles, 3) sleeping in a toddler bed and 4)completely or almost completely potty trained. The Beast is none of the above and it frustrates me to no end. Yes, I know every child is different but the pressure I get from the "outside" world is beyond annoying. Do you know how many times a day I hear "He shouldn't have that paci" or "Why is he still drinking from a bottle" or "My child is peeing on the potty". As hard as it is not to, it makes me feel like I'm not doing something right. But, I do need to realize that The Beast is a completely different child than my other two, heck than any other child on the planet and he will do things when he wants to, how he wants to and there will be no other way about it. I have lost all control with him and it pretty much kills me because I am a control freak.
People who have "easy" children just do not understand. It is SO easy for them to say to me, "Just cut the tip off of the pacifier, he won't want it anymore" and tell me that "the first few days will be rough". I know that, I have done this before, trust me, The Diva had her pacifier 24 hours a day/7 days a week from birth until the age of 2, she didn't like giving it up, but she did.
Part of The Beast's thing is, he has a major "oral fixation" and sucking on his paci and bottle keep him calm and sort of relaxed (well, as relaxed as a Beast can get). If it causes one less temper tantrum a day, it helps because we have many. If I don't let him have his paci or bottle, he sucks on the tag of his blankie and it is so digusting that the whole area surrounding his tag on his blanket is now permanently brown and wet. (It also smells no matter how much I wash it). I also cannot find another blanket exactly like his to replace it with.
The Occupational Therapist brought over some toys called "Chewies" for him because lately he has been chewing up his pacifiers so there are holes in them. We are trying to transition him to these things but seriously, they look like dog toys and freak me out a little. It's bad enough I call him The Beast but to give him things that dog toys, ooooh the haters would have fun with that one, wouldn't they? I honestly cannot imagine taking him out in public with these things, the looks I would get.
Anyway, I am super frustrated with him right now. He has absolutely NO desire to potty train either. I honestly wonder at times if he can even feel it when he wets or poops in his pants. He will sit in his filth all day if we let him and his skin is so sensitive that he screams "Ow" whenever I wipe him to change his diaper. It's just not fun. (I know, changing diapers is never fun but this is torture).
I am feeling burnt out. I am losing my patience with him. I need a break. As much as I love him, I wish for one day that I had a "easy" toddler.
People who have "easy" children just do not understand. It is SO easy for them to say to me, "Just cut the tip off of the pacifier, he won't want it anymore" and tell me that "the first few days will be rough". I know that, I have done this before, trust me, The Diva had her pacifier 24 hours a day/7 days a week from birth until the age of 2, she didn't like giving it up, but she did.
Part of The Beast's thing is, he has a major "oral fixation" and sucking on his paci and bottle keep him calm and sort of relaxed (well, as relaxed as a Beast can get). If it causes one less temper tantrum a day, it helps because we have many. If I don't let him have his paci or bottle, he sucks on the tag of his blankie and it is so digusting that the whole area surrounding his tag on his blanket is now permanently brown and wet. (It also smells no matter how much I wash it). I also cannot find another blanket exactly like his to replace it with.
The Occupational Therapist brought over some toys called "Chewies" for him because lately he has been chewing up his pacifiers so there are holes in them. We are trying to transition him to these things but seriously, they look like dog toys and freak me out a little. It's bad enough I call him The Beast but to give him things that dog toys, ooooh the haters would have fun with that one, wouldn't they? I honestly cannot imagine taking him out in public with these things, the looks I would get.
Anyway, I am super frustrated with him right now. He has absolutely NO desire to potty train either. I honestly wonder at times if he can even feel it when he wets or poops in his pants. He will sit in his filth all day if we let him and his skin is so sensitive that he screams "Ow" whenever I wipe him to change his diaper. It's just not fun. (I know, changing diapers is never fun but this is torture).
I am feeling burnt out. I am losing my patience with him. I need a break. As much as I love him, I wish for one day that I had a "easy" toddler.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Little Packets of Yummy Chicken Recipe
I found this recipe and thought I'd give it a go - The kids were picky like usual, Jackson simply sat down at the table, took one look at his plate and told me he was going to bed....lol
Ingredients:
- Cooked Chicken Breast (I cooked 2 good sized ones and cut them into 1 inch cubes)
-1 Cup of Shredded Cheddar Cheese
-1 Can of Cream of Chicken Soup
-2 Cans of Crescent Rolls
-1 Cup of Milk
First, I cut up the chicken into 1 inch cubes and cooked it on the stove until it was browned
Then, I made up the soup - 1 can of Cream of Chicken Soup and 1 Cup of Milk in a bowl
Next, I spread out the Crescent Rolls - I kept them in 2's - so they made a rectangle. (I tried taking them apart individually and it was a lot harder so then I got smart)
Put a little bit of chicken and a little bit of cheese in each one - I used about 1tbsp or so in each
Then, roll up the Crescent Rolls "burrito style" and pinch the edges together
Place in a 9x13 pan and cover with the soup
If you have extra chicken and cheese (which I did), just stick it in the dish too before you cover with the soup
Bake at 350 for 30 minutes
I served it with a veggie
Monday, April 9, 2012
"Mama Do It"
Those three simple words are like nails on a chalkboard lately. The Beast is going through some sort of separation anxiety thing way beyond what my older two have ever gone through. He refuses to let anyone do anything for him except for "mama". It's not even like I can make it fun and turn it into a drinking game because let's face it, I'd be hammered by 10am.
This weekend, my parents were here for Easter. My mom and I took the boys for a walk around the neighborhood and Jackson is still needing help with pushing off and getting started while riding his bike so let my mom push the stroller so I could help Jackson. Well, you would have thought the world was coming to an end because as soon as The Beast realized that "Mama was NOT doing it" he had a melt down to end all meltdowns. He was screaming and crying and trying to get out of the stroller while repeating over and over "MAMA DO IT". Seriously? So, from that point on, grandma was not even allowed to touch the stroller or he would swat at her. Yes, I said "swat" at her, isn't he sweet?
Last weekend Trevor's brother and sister in law were here with our teenage nephew and it was the same thing all weekend. Nobody was allowed to touch him to change his diaper, "Mama Do It" or put him to bed, nothing. Frankly I was looking forward to a little break, people to occupy The Beast so I could do things for the other two kids but that did not happen. The Beast is so stubborn that heaven forbid he cave in just a little and not make my life a living hell for just one moment. It would be nice if just once it was "Daddy Do It". Sigh.
This weekend, my parents were here for Easter. My mom and I took the boys for a walk around the neighborhood and Jackson is still needing help with pushing off and getting started while riding his bike so let my mom push the stroller so I could help Jackson. Well, you would have thought the world was coming to an end because as soon as The Beast realized that "Mama was NOT doing it" he had a melt down to end all meltdowns. He was screaming and crying and trying to get out of the stroller while repeating over and over "MAMA DO IT". Seriously? So, from that point on, grandma was not even allowed to touch the stroller or he would swat at her. Yes, I said "swat" at her, isn't he sweet?
Last weekend Trevor's brother and sister in law were here with our teenage nephew and it was the same thing all weekend. Nobody was allowed to touch him to change his diaper, "Mama Do It" or put him to bed, nothing. Frankly I was looking forward to a little break, people to occupy The Beast so I could do things for the other two kids but that did not happen. The Beast is so stubborn that heaven forbid he cave in just a little and not make my life a living hell for just one moment. It would be nice if just once it was "Daddy Do It". Sigh.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Dance Competition
Hi all, I know it's been awhile but honestly I haven't had too much exciting to blog about and I've been terribly lazy. The Beast has pretty much been the same but I'll blog about him on another day. Today I am going to brag about my seven year old daughter and her dance team.
This weekend I got to experience my first official dance competition and it was pretty fantastic. We did a practice one a few weeks ago so I kind of knew what to expect but it was pretty amazing. The whole group of Tiny Techers were there, which was 17 girls and 1 boy. They did dances to two songs within an hour of each other so in between we had to get them changed, touch up hair and make up and make sure everything was organized because the awards were immediately following their second dance.
I have to admit, I thought that they would never really do all that well since there are so many of them. A lot of the group are 5 and 6 year olds and we all know how it is trying to get them to do anything, it's literally like herding cats. It's nothing against the children or the teacher, nobody could get them all to do every move perfectly in sync and not make a single mistake but they did great!
The way the scoring works is basically this: They do each of their dances and get rating out of three (each dance company calls it something different so I am going to use 1, 2 and 3). Then, at the end of all the dances getting their rating, they do an "overall" top five from each age group and style of dance.
The kids first dance was to the song "Step In Time" from Mary Poppins where they were chimney sweeps. Out of the two it is not their favorite dance and with a few of the kids you can definitely tell they aren't as into it. They received a 3 for the dance. Here is a picture of Olivia ready for this dance:
The next dance was titled "Chihuahua" from Beverly Hills Chihuahua and it is their favorite dance and so fun to watch. For that dance they received their first 2. Here is Olivia ready to dance for the one. For each of the dances they received a ribbon.
Then, they held the overall awards and the kids received a SECOND PLACE for their dance to Chihuahua!!! It was so exciting and made all the stress and anxiety totally worth it. For that they received a medal. Here is Olivia with her awards:
Olivia is very competitive and the whole way there she was hoping they would get better than a "3". She strives for perfection and no matter how hard I try, I can't convince her that she doesn't have to be perfect. When she got home she was proudly wearing her medal and I don't think she's taken it off since.
This weekend I got to experience my first official dance competition and it was pretty fantastic. We did a practice one a few weeks ago so I kind of knew what to expect but it was pretty amazing. The whole group of Tiny Techers were there, which was 17 girls and 1 boy. They did dances to two songs within an hour of each other so in between we had to get them changed, touch up hair and make up and make sure everything was organized because the awards were immediately following their second dance.
I have to admit, I thought that they would never really do all that well since there are so many of them. A lot of the group are 5 and 6 year olds and we all know how it is trying to get them to do anything, it's literally like herding cats. It's nothing against the children or the teacher, nobody could get them all to do every move perfectly in sync and not make a single mistake but they did great!
The way the scoring works is basically this: They do each of their dances and get rating out of three (each dance company calls it something different so I am going to use 1, 2 and 3). Then, at the end of all the dances getting their rating, they do an "overall" top five from each age group and style of dance.
The kids first dance was to the song "Step In Time" from Mary Poppins where they were chimney sweeps. Out of the two it is not their favorite dance and with a few of the kids you can definitely tell they aren't as into it. They received a 3 for the dance. Here is a picture of Olivia ready for this dance:
Monday, February 27, 2012
Is it Depression?
I have not been feeling myself lately. I haven't really had much ambition to do much of anything except sit on the couch and watch tv. But, then if I do nothing, I have been getting very anxious so it's kind of a catch 22. I have always struggled with some anxiety but I wonder if I'm not getting a touch of depression. It's kind of embarrassing to talk about it but I think talking about it might help.
I've noticed that I haven't really had much to talk about with anyone. I usually post quite a bit of stuff that is going on, on Facebook but I haven't even been doing a whole lot of that. I think being stuck at home with nothing to do is a lot of it. Having The Beast limits so much of what I can do. He still takes a three hour nap and if I miss that nap, I pay for it all afternoon and all night. Sometimes I wish I had someone who would come over and just sit here while he naps (for free of course...lol) so I can get some stuff done. Even if I do take him out to run errands he isn't much fun, he hates to be confided to the stroller or the shopping cart and unless I am feeding him sucker after sucker the whole time, he is a major pain. Which, heaven forbid I do that because I would be getting looks from those "perfect" mothers with their "perfect" children who just don't understand what it's like to have a "Beast".
Then again, I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with the Mirena IUD that I had inserted a few weeks ago too. Maybe it's the fact that it's winter. Maybe it's a mixture of all of those things.
People who are not going through the feelings that I am just don't understand. I don't dare post something about this on my status update because you will have those people who 1) think I am posting too personal of information out there and 2) who think that I am terrible because they are the type who think the world is made up of rainbows and sunshine and you should be happy all of the time. I'm sorry but those people drive me insane. Yes, it's nice to be happy more than you are not but it's just not normal. Nobody has a smile plastered on their face 100% of the time and thinks nothing but happy thoughts.
I don't really know where I'm going with this blog. The Beast has been so crabby lately, maybe he is going off of my mood or maybe my mood is going off of his. It's almost unbearable. We are quite a pair.
I've noticed that I haven't really had much to talk about with anyone. I usually post quite a bit of stuff that is going on, on Facebook but I haven't even been doing a whole lot of that. I think being stuck at home with nothing to do is a lot of it. Having The Beast limits so much of what I can do. He still takes a three hour nap and if I miss that nap, I pay for it all afternoon and all night. Sometimes I wish I had someone who would come over and just sit here while he naps (for free of course...lol) so I can get some stuff done. Even if I do take him out to run errands he isn't much fun, he hates to be confided to the stroller or the shopping cart and unless I am feeding him sucker after sucker the whole time, he is a major pain. Which, heaven forbid I do that because I would be getting looks from those "perfect" mothers with their "perfect" children who just don't understand what it's like to have a "Beast".
Then again, I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with the Mirena IUD that I had inserted a few weeks ago too. Maybe it's the fact that it's winter. Maybe it's a mixture of all of those things.
People who are not going through the feelings that I am just don't understand. I don't dare post something about this on my status update because you will have those people who 1) think I am posting too personal of information out there and 2) who think that I am terrible because they are the type who think the world is made up of rainbows and sunshine and you should be happy all of the time. I'm sorry but those people drive me insane. Yes, it's nice to be happy more than you are not but it's just not normal. Nobody has a smile plastered on their face 100% of the time and thinks nothing but happy thoughts.
I don't really know where I'm going with this blog. The Beast has been so crabby lately, maybe he is going off of my mood or maybe my mood is going off of his. It's almost unbearable. We are quite a pair.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Black Bean Quesadillas
Since I'm back to being a Stay At Home Mom again and finally feeling better after my surgery and round #2 of bronchitis - I figured I should probably start making some decent meals again. So, I tried a new recipe and it was so good I wanted to share it with you guys - it was even a hit with the kids.
Ingredients
- 2 tsp (10 mL) vegetable oil
- 1 chopped onion
- 1 diced sweet green pepper
- 1 tbsp (15 mL) chili powder
- 1/2 tsp (2 mL) ground cumin
- 1/4 tsp (1 mL) salt
- 1/4 tsp (1 mL) pepper
- 1 can (19oz) black beans, drained and rinsed
- 1 cup (250 mL) salsa
- 1/2 cup (125 mL) corn kernels
- 4 large flour tortillas
- 2 cups (500 mL) shredded Cheddar cheese
- 1/2 cup (125 mL) sour cream, light
- 1/4 cup (60 mL) diced fresh jalapeño peppers or pickled jalapeño peppers, optional
Preparation
In large nonstick skillet, heat oil over medium heat; cook onion, green pepper, chili powder, cumin, salt and pepper until softened, about 8 minutes. Add black beans, salsa and corn; cook, stirring often, until heated through, about 5 minutes. (Make-ahead: Let cool for 30 minutes; refrigerate until chilled. Cover and refrigerate for up to 1 day.)
Evenly spoon bean mixture over half of each tortilla; sprinkle with cheese. Fold uncovered half over top and press lightly. Place on large rimmed baking sheet; bake in 425°F (220°C) oven, turning once, until golden, 10 to 15 minutes. Serve with sour cream, and jalape?eppers (if using).
I got the recipe from Canadian Living. Com
Evenly spoon bean mixture over half of each tortilla; sprinkle with cheese. Fold uncovered half over top and press lightly. Place on large rimmed baking sheet; bake in 425°F (220°C) oven, turning once, until golden, 10 to 15 minutes. Serve with sour cream, and jalape?eppers (if using).
I got the recipe from Canadian Living. Com
Friday, February 10, 2012
Test Results
I had my surgery almost two weeks ago where they took a mass in the lining of my uterus out to send it for further testing. Basically they want to biopsy it. The surgery itself wasn't so bad. I came out of the sedation talking about Yo Gabba Gabba which is kind of funny. The doctors were looking at my like I am insane. Well, I probably would too if I didn't know what it was an someone was going on and on about it. Anyway, other than some cramping off and on, I feel better. What is excruciating is having to wait for those test results. It is something that can ultimately change your life. Just because I am young (which by the way, is middle aged considered "young" anymore?) doesn't mean that I am immune. I know very young people who have had cancer; some beat it and some were not so fortunate. All of them, way younger than I am.
Anyway, I got a letter in the mail today from my dr's office and I have to admit, as much as I wanted to rip that envelope open, I sat on it for awhile. I was really afraid of what was inside. So, I ran Jackson to preschool, came home and put The Beast down for a nap and then opened up the letter.
"Your biopsy came back benign" is what was inside the envelope. Thank god.
Anyway, I got a letter in the mail today from my dr's office and I have to admit, as much as I wanted to rip that envelope open, I sat on it for awhile. I was really afraid of what was inside. So, I ran Jackson to preschool, came home and put The Beast down for a nap and then opened up the letter.
"Your biopsy came back benign" is what was inside the envelope. Thank god.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Still dealing with the effects of giving birth to The Beast: 2 Years Later
I went to the dermatologist today on a referral from my OB/GYN. I was telling him I feel like my hair is thinning, especially on the top and it's embarrassing. I have often wondered if it's because of my lack of sleep and high stress level dealing with The Beast. I had nice, wonderful, thick hair until I became pregnant with him. After I had Jackson, I had to cut my hair shorter because I was so sick through my pregnancy but I never really experienced it thinning.
Anyway, I went in today and we sat down to chat before my exam. He asked me why I was there and how long I've noticed it. When I told him my story about having The Beast 2 years ago and it being a problem since then he asked about my pregnancy and delivery with him, asking if there was anything traumatic involved. I just laughed and then told him all about my water breaking 10 weeks early, having to be airlifted 4 hours away from my family over Christmas, the nervous breakdown in the hospital and the emergency C-Section. He is a young guy with a one year old so he was a little surprised by it all and simply said "Yeah, that will do it". The dr told me that he could diagnose me without even taking a look but he did anyway and pulled some of my hair out and looked at it under the scope.
What I have is called: Telogen Effluvium. Here is a definition of what it is: In telogen effluvium sufferers, some body change or shock pushes more hairs into the telogen phase. Typically in this condition, about 30% of the hairs stop growing and go into the resting phase before falling out. So if you have telogen effluvium, you may lose an average of 300 hairs a day instead of 100.
After looking at my hair in the scope he said that only 30% of my hair is growing and 70% is resting. Lovely hey? The good news is it pretty much can't get any worse but the bad news is there is nothing the doctor can do to fix it. I am lucky and I am not bald and I still have a lot of hair but this just sucks. I want my hair back. He said that in time it will come out of hibernation and start to grow back but he can't tell me when. It normally takes anywhere from 6 months to 2 years after the trauma to start growing back. The doctor said that he could tell me to use Rogaine or other washes like that but there are NO studies to prove that it actually works and the stuff he would prescribe is really expensive.
I swear this kid is going to be the death of me.
Anyway, I went in today and we sat down to chat before my exam. He asked me why I was there and how long I've noticed it. When I told him my story about having The Beast 2 years ago and it being a problem since then he asked about my pregnancy and delivery with him, asking if there was anything traumatic involved. I just laughed and then told him all about my water breaking 10 weeks early, having to be airlifted 4 hours away from my family over Christmas, the nervous breakdown in the hospital and the emergency C-Section. He is a young guy with a one year old so he was a little surprised by it all and simply said "Yeah, that will do it". The dr told me that he could diagnose me without even taking a look but he did anyway and pulled some of my hair out and looked at it under the scope.
What I have is called: Telogen Effluvium. Here is a definition of what it is: In telogen effluvium sufferers, some body change or shock pushes more hairs into the telogen phase. Typically in this condition, about 30% of the hairs stop growing and go into the resting phase before falling out. So if you have telogen effluvium, you may lose an average of 300 hairs a day instead of 100.
After looking at my hair in the scope he said that only 30% of my hair is growing and 70% is resting. Lovely hey? The good news is it pretty much can't get any worse but the bad news is there is nothing the doctor can do to fix it. I am lucky and I am not bald and I still have a lot of hair but this just sucks. I want my hair back. He said that in time it will come out of hibernation and start to grow back but he can't tell me when. It normally takes anywhere from 6 months to 2 years after the trauma to start growing back. The doctor said that he could tell me to use Rogaine or other washes like that but there are NO studies to prove that it actually works and the stuff he would prescribe is really expensive.
I swear this kid is going to be the death of me.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Scary News From The Doctor
*First off, don't read this if you aren't interested in the following words: uterus, lining, period, vagina. Thank you*
So I have been having some female issues lately. I have had them my entire life. I was diagnosed with endometriosis back in 2001 but since I've been pregnant 4 times since then, it hasn't been too much of an issue.
I have been doing fine until September when everything went wonky. I blamed it on the fact that I was sleep deprived and constantly stressed out. Finally, a few weeks ago I was able to get into the doctor. I still haven't established myself with a doctor since moving here so I had to wait to get in. I went in and he ordered all sorts of tests, a full blood work up, an ultrasound and referred me to a dermatologist because some dry spots on my legs are acting up and I feel like my hair on top is thinning. (I also just blamed that on lack of sleep and stress).
I went in for my ultrasound this morning and followed up immediately after with my OB/GYN. He looked at my bloodwork and there were some elevated white blood cells but everything else came back perfectly fine. Then, he looked at my ultrasound and found some cysts which weren't a big deal but apparently the lining of my uterus has a mass of thick tissue on it. He said that since I'm so young, he's not really worried about it but we need to get in there and get it thinned out and have a sample taken. I asked why he was taking a sample and he told me this: If I were a woman who was of menopause age or older, he would be certain it was the start of cancer. Wait, What? He saw the look on my face and told me to not panic that more than likely it was nothing but he had to tell me that and has to do the sample to be certain. Please nobody say "bad doctor" because he is not, he's very nice and the way he said it was reassuring but still, nobody likes to hear the C- word when they are at the doctor after having problems. I have to have surgery and will schedule it tomorrow for the very near future before my dermatologist appointment.
The things that have me freaked out are:
-I have always had something inside of me think that I was going to have something wrong with my female parts. Ever since I can remember. From the time I got married I told people that we probably wouldn't have children, not because I don't like them, I honestly had a bad feeling that I couldn't have them. Well, I was wrong so now this is making me wonder.
-Ask my family, they will back me up on this. I am a medical freak of nature. If something strange or against the odds will happen to someone, it is almost always me. My mom said that from the time I was born I rarely got sick, but when I did, it was extreme. I am that person that doesn't just get the flu, I get West Nile Virus in October or spike a fever of 105 and get pneumonia in August. I have lost a baby in the second trimester and have had three other completely dramatic pregnancies and/or deliveries. I have had a laparoscopy where I ended up in the hospital right after for a sever bladder and kidney infection. Usually if something is against the odds or not likely, it happens to me.
So, that is why I am completely freaked out. I want to google it but I'm afraid of what I will find and it will make me more of an anxiety filled mess. On another note, I absolutely love this hospital and the doctors. It is so nice to be back in civilization where medical care is not backwoods and results are immediate.
So I have been having some female issues lately. I have had them my entire life. I was diagnosed with endometriosis back in 2001 but since I've been pregnant 4 times since then, it hasn't been too much of an issue.
I have been doing fine until September when everything went wonky. I blamed it on the fact that I was sleep deprived and constantly stressed out. Finally, a few weeks ago I was able to get into the doctor. I still haven't established myself with a doctor since moving here so I had to wait to get in. I went in and he ordered all sorts of tests, a full blood work up, an ultrasound and referred me to a dermatologist because some dry spots on my legs are acting up and I feel like my hair on top is thinning. (I also just blamed that on lack of sleep and stress).
I went in for my ultrasound this morning and followed up immediately after with my OB/GYN. He looked at my bloodwork and there were some elevated white blood cells but everything else came back perfectly fine. Then, he looked at my ultrasound and found some cysts which weren't a big deal but apparently the lining of my uterus has a mass of thick tissue on it. He said that since I'm so young, he's not really worried about it but we need to get in there and get it thinned out and have a sample taken. I asked why he was taking a sample and he told me this: If I were a woman who was of menopause age or older, he would be certain it was the start of cancer. Wait, What? He saw the look on my face and told me to not panic that more than likely it was nothing but he had to tell me that and has to do the sample to be certain. Please nobody say "bad doctor" because he is not, he's very nice and the way he said it was reassuring but still, nobody likes to hear the C- word when they are at the doctor after having problems. I have to have surgery and will schedule it tomorrow for the very near future before my dermatologist appointment.
The things that have me freaked out are:
-I have always had something inside of me think that I was going to have something wrong with my female parts. Ever since I can remember. From the time I got married I told people that we probably wouldn't have children, not because I don't like them, I honestly had a bad feeling that I couldn't have them. Well, I was wrong so now this is making me wonder.
-Ask my family, they will back me up on this. I am a medical freak of nature. If something strange or against the odds will happen to someone, it is almost always me. My mom said that from the time I was born I rarely got sick, but when I did, it was extreme. I am that person that doesn't just get the flu, I get West Nile Virus in October or spike a fever of 105 and get pneumonia in August. I have lost a baby in the second trimester and have had three other completely dramatic pregnancies and/or deliveries. I have had a laparoscopy where I ended up in the hospital right after for a sever bladder and kidney infection. Usually if something is against the odds or not likely, it happens to me.
So, that is why I am completely freaked out. I want to google it but I'm afraid of what I will find and it will make me more of an anxiety filled mess. On another note, I absolutely love this hospital and the doctors. It is so nice to be back in civilization where medical care is not backwoods and results are immediate.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Another "Your THAT Mom" Moment Today
It's always nice to get out of the house and be around other adults when you stay at home. Today I took the boys to ECFE (Early Childhood and Family Education) which is just a playgroup for The Beast with other children his age. Our Early Intervention teacher and Occupational Therapist came to observe today to see how he does in a group with other kids. We were sitting around the snack table and this other mom sitting next to us started questioning who they were and why they were here. I told them that The Beast qualified for Early Intervention and they were here for him. She looked at me with a blank stare and laughed. Then she asked "Are you joking?" When I said that no I wasn't joking she said "Oh you are really serious?" and then laughed it off.
I'm sorry but what the hell kind of reaction is that? I don't know for sure but I'm pretty sure she was thinking that I was that mom and I was over reacting or something. Stupid Bitch.
I'm sorry but what the hell kind of reaction is that? I don't know for sure but I'm pretty sure she was thinking that I was that mom and I was over reacting or something. Stupid Bitch.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
2 Year Wellness Check with The Doctor
This afternoon I took The Beast to the doctor for his 2 year wellness check. We weren't able to get his shots today because it turns out he still has a fever but his ears were cleared up and his congestion from the bronchitis sounds better.
Anyway, he weighed in at 27 pounds even which is the 36th percentile, was 35.3 inches tall which is in the 72nd percentile and his head circumference was 19.1 inches which was in the 44th percentile. Overall, his growth is good.
We spoke about his milestones and he is still behind on a few things but nothing too crazy. The fact that he qualified for both occupational and speech therapy through Early Intervention finally made the doctor take some of my concerns seriously. On one hand I am greatful that he is taking them seriously after over a year but on the other hand, it annoys me that my concerns had to be verfied by others before he took them seriously. He did say that it is highly unlikely that The Beast would have any form of autism because he is 1. too social and 2. his speech is too good but the Sensory Processing Disorder is a possibility. He has referred us to a psychologist closer to Minneapolis to take him to for a formal evalution. He said that without an "official" diagnosis, insurance won't cover anything. To be honest, I am really torn on whether to make an appointment or not. I hate to "label" him but if something is up, isn't it best to figure it out?
Next, we spoke about his skin breaking out all of the time. We did an allergy test via bloodwork a year ago and suggested we repeat it in case something shows up. I took The Beast down to the lab for bloodwork and was nervous the entire time. I knew this wasn't going to go well. Normally, just for shots it takes three of us to hold him down since he seems to get some super human strength when he's upset. When we checked in at the desk I told them that we would probably need some extra help so we waited until there was nobody left and went back. I sat down on the chair and put The Beast on my lap and they started the process. I was expecting the worst and a total meltdown but what I got was the polar opposite. He sat there and as the needle was going in, he gave the tech a dirty look but then looked at me with a look that implied "I refuse to give you the satisfaction to shed a tear". Sigh. Once again he made me look like a complete over reacting liar and sat there perfectly still the entire time, even when they had to repoke him to find a vein.
Unbelievable.
Anyway, he weighed in at 27 pounds even which is the 36th percentile, was 35.3 inches tall which is in the 72nd percentile and his head circumference was 19.1 inches which was in the 44th percentile. Overall, his growth is good.
We spoke about his milestones and he is still behind on a few things but nothing too crazy. The fact that he qualified for both occupational and speech therapy through Early Intervention finally made the doctor take some of my concerns seriously. On one hand I am greatful that he is taking them seriously after over a year but on the other hand, it annoys me that my concerns had to be verfied by others before he took them seriously. He did say that it is highly unlikely that The Beast would have any form of autism because he is 1. too social and 2. his speech is too good but the Sensory Processing Disorder is a possibility. He has referred us to a psychologist closer to Minneapolis to take him to for a formal evalution. He said that without an "official" diagnosis, insurance won't cover anything. To be honest, I am really torn on whether to make an appointment or not. I hate to "label" him but if something is up, isn't it best to figure it out?
Next, we spoke about his skin breaking out all of the time. We did an allergy test via bloodwork a year ago and suggested we repeat it in case something shows up. I took The Beast down to the lab for bloodwork and was nervous the entire time. I knew this wasn't going to go well. Normally, just for shots it takes three of us to hold him down since he seems to get some super human strength when he's upset. When we checked in at the desk I told them that we would probably need some extra help so we waited until there was nobody left and went back. I sat down on the chair and put The Beast on my lap and they started the process. I was expecting the worst and a total meltdown but what I got was the polar opposite. He sat there and as the needle was going in, he gave the tech a dirty look but then looked at me with a look that implied "I refuse to give you the satisfaction to shed a tear". Sigh. Once again he made me look like a complete over reacting liar and sat there perfectly still the entire time, even when they had to repoke him to find a vein.
Unbelievable.
Monday, January 16, 2012
I've survived 2 years
I can't even believe that I am sitting here writing this. The Beast has turned 2 years old. It's a crazy thought because it still seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the hospital waiting for the little Beast to come out and then taking the itty bitty Beast home from the hospital. He was so small, smaller than a Cabbage Patch Doll and he screamed a whole lot. We joke that he came out screaming and hasn't stopped a day since. Sometimes I feel like my life is like a sitcom with him the main character.
Christmas was pretty uneventful this year, he still doesn't quite understand what it is all about but once he figured out how to open presents, he thought it was pretty cool. I have to admit, I scrimped on buying for him because this is the last year that we can. Next year, he will start to notice when he gets about 10 presents less than his siblings.
On the day of his birthday, we pretty much did nothing. I had to work that day and he was sick so we waited to have his party yesterday. We had a Yo Gabba Gabba theme because that is the only thing that will make the child stop and pay attention to anything. Sometimes I think he might be nicer to me or pay attention, heck maybe he'd acknowledge me once in awhile if I put on that stupid orange suit that DJ Lance wears. But, orange really isn't a good color for me so I'll pass. I want to know who created that show and what they were smoking when they thought of it. I want some of whatever they were on.
As for his behavior, it's ok but it's certainly not getting any better. He speaks pretty well and can usually get his point across but like a typical toddler he loves the words "No", "Mine" and "Hey". He is hateful and stubborn as a mule but yet adorable.
When he got up from his nap the other day he had peed through his diaper so I took his clothes off to change him. Well, he was not very happy about that and he started hitting me and screaming "NOOOOO" so I just left him in his nasty diaper at the top of the stairs to "Scream it out". He finally came downstairs so I wrestled him to the floor to change his diaper. I got him dressed and cleaned up and threw his diaper in the garbage. The Beast was so pissed off at me that he went running for the garbage and we had a fist fight because he wanted to get his nasty diaper and put it back on. Well, I lost the fight and he grabbed it and pitched it at my head. Nice hey?
He still isn't sleeping through the night every night and that is just exhausting. I can officially say that I haven't slept well in over 2 years. It's amazing how that can wear on your mind and body, I think it's just another way for him to mess with me. There is nothing worse than waking up out of a dead sleep to a screaming toddler wailing in the next room. I swear when this kid screams, the house shakes, it's that loud.
As much as I complain about him, I do love him and cannot imagine our lives without him. Happy Birthday to The Beast.
Christmas was pretty uneventful this year, he still doesn't quite understand what it is all about but once he figured out how to open presents, he thought it was pretty cool. I have to admit, I scrimped on buying for him because this is the last year that we can. Next year, he will start to notice when he gets about 10 presents less than his siblings.
On the day of his birthday, we pretty much did nothing. I had to work that day and he was sick so we waited to have his party yesterday. We had a Yo Gabba Gabba theme because that is the only thing that will make the child stop and pay attention to anything. Sometimes I think he might be nicer to me or pay attention, heck maybe he'd acknowledge me once in awhile if I put on that stupid orange suit that DJ Lance wears. But, orange really isn't a good color for me so I'll pass. I want to know who created that show and what they were smoking when they thought of it. I want some of whatever they were on.
As for his behavior, it's ok but it's certainly not getting any better. He speaks pretty well and can usually get his point across but like a typical toddler he loves the words "No", "Mine" and "Hey". He is hateful and stubborn as a mule but yet adorable.
When he got up from his nap the other day he had peed through his diaper so I took his clothes off to change him. Well, he was not very happy about that and he started hitting me and screaming "NOOOOO" so I just left him in his nasty diaper at the top of the stairs to "Scream it out". He finally came downstairs so I wrestled him to the floor to change his diaper. I got him dressed and cleaned up and threw his diaper in the garbage. The Beast was so pissed off at me that he went running for the garbage and we had a fist fight because he wanted to get his nasty diaper and put it back on. Well, I lost the fight and he grabbed it and pitched it at my head. Nice hey?
He still isn't sleeping through the night every night and that is just exhausting. I can officially say that I haven't slept well in over 2 years. It's amazing how that can wear on your mind and body, I think it's just another way for him to mess with me. There is nothing worse than waking up out of a dead sleep to a screaming toddler wailing in the next room. I swear when this kid screams, the house shakes, it's that loud.
As much as I complain about him, I do love him and cannot imagine our lives without him. Happy Birthday to The Beast.
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